


What Dreams May Come

by PiOneOneZero



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 10:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3171278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PiOneOneZero/pseuds/PiOneOneZero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“To sleep, perchance to dream –<br/>ay, there’s the rub,</p><p>For in that sleep of death<br/>what dreams may come”</p><p>William Shakespeare, Hamlet 3.1</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Dreams May Come

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OZLelila (ozlelila)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ozlelila/gifts).



> Written for VAMB Secret Santa 2014

It felt odd to be walking under a full moon. Chakotay could distinctly remember the last time – when he’d visited Earth with his father. He wished he’d been in the right frame of mind to appreciate it then – having grown up on a planet without a moon it should have been a source of incredible wonder to him but it hadn’t been.

He took a few moments now to stand and stare, to take in its intoxicating glow as if he could somehow atone for the apathy of his younger self.

So bright, so very, very bright…

***

Captain’s Log Stardate 54011.6

We are currently traversing a largely uninhabited system comprising of a series of planets with some interesting geology. I have dispatched a number of survey teams in the hope of finding much needed mineral supplies; Chakotay requested to take a shuttle to one of the planets unaccompanied – it is close to the anniversary of his father’s death and although he doesn’t say it I know he craves this time alone. 

Ordinarily I would be reluctant to allow any of the crew to go on a mission solo, but under the circumstances, and after extensive scans to determine the safety of this area of space, I granted permission. We are keeping a close track on him and he is checking in regularly, but I cannot shake a feeling of uneasiness. I shall be glad when he is returned safely. 

***

Chakotay seated himself at the console and prepared for take-off. It had been a short but much needed period of quiet reflection – sometimes on Voyager it was hard to get any real sense of peace even when alone. The planet he’d visited had yielded a little in the way of supplies for Voyager – not as many as hoped but perhaps the other teams would have been more successful. 

The true gain from this trip, however, was the closeness he had felt to his father, to his home and to his roots – there was something very calming and familiar about this planet which would stay with him for a long time.

Completing the last of the preparations, he slowly piloted the shuttle through the planet’s atmosphere and plotted a course back to Voyager some three or so light-years away. 

Settling himself down for the trip, he relaxed back into the chair and took a little time to enjoy the view on the shuttle’s screen as he rose back into the stars. 

As he allowed his gaze to wander over the star-scape, he began to experience a sharp headache and the view before him blurred. He gripped the arms of the chair for a few seconds scrunching his face in pain, but the symptoms quickly seemed to ease and, with a shake of the head and a little swift blinking, vanished entirely.

Tapping a few buttons on the console he transferred the shuttle entirely to autopilot, before moving to the back of the shuttle and retrieving a tricorder from the medi-kit. Passing it over himself revealed little more than low blood sugar and indications of fatigue. Well, he thought, he had taken very sparse rest over the last few days – wanting to make the most of the short trip – and when had he last eaten…?

Sighing and shaking his head in admonishment at failing to heed the advice he so often found himself giving to Kathryn, he ripped open a ration pack and made his way back to the pilot’s seat.

***

Over the next few days the remaining survey teams returned to Voyager and, overall , had been very successful. Operations were returning to normal and for the first day in several weeks, all of the alpha shift bridge crew were present.

Kathryn took a little time to glance around – as much as the change of pace had been good for everyone it was a relief to have them all back where they should be. Particularly the last person she let her eyes rest on; her first officer. Having said that – he looked miles away.

“Chakotay, are you quite alright? You look a little distant”.

“Yes I’m fine. Why is everyone fussing at me so much today?” His reply seemed irritable, Kathryn thought, unusual for him almost to the point of being out of character. 

“Pardon me for asking”. She thought her reply was light – the kind of flirty banter that normally made him smile *that* smile. An annoyed frown was all she received in return. What was with him today? She decided to let it drop.

"Mr Paris, set a course heading 306 mark 4. Engage".

"Aye Captain"

Chakotay let out a quiet but clearly audible breath that almost sounded like it could be a huff. She glanced over at him again to see him appearing very agitated - he was practically squirming in his seat. When he noticed her looking, he coughed and adjusted his position, but still appeared unsettled.

"Chakotay could I see you in my ready room please?" She got up and walked over to the door. Glancing over her shoulder she could see that he wasn't protesting, but looked unhappy about the request. Whatever this was about, at least they weren't going to have it out in front of the entire bridge.

Once they had both entered the room and Kathryn heard the door slide closed behind them, she turned to face Chakotay.

"Come on, out with it".

"I'm sorry I don't know what you're talking about".

"There's clearly something the matter and I want to know what it is".

"Nothing's wrong". He was looking flushed, red colouring clearly showing on both cheeks.

"Nothing's wrong? So why have you completely lost your sense of humour, and ability to sit on the bridge without writhing out of your seat? Not to mention your attitude to my simplest request".

"I think you're the one with the problem, not me".

"I beg your pardon!?"

"You heard".

She was at a loss for words for a moment, but once she'd managed to gather herself a little she decided to take the softly softly approach and lowered her voice somewhat.

"Chakotay... Before I throw you into the brig for insubordination, would you like to explain yourself? Something is clearly bothering you and I'd like to help you with it, but I can't unless you talk to me".

He turned away from her, still shifting from foot to foot in an anxious way. He appeared to be shaking.

"Chakotay..." she said gently as she moved closer and placed a hand softly on his shoulder. He flinched away from her as if she'd struck him, wheeling back around – his eyes dark and posture suddenly aggressive.

"Don't touch me!"

"What is wrong with you!?" She winced at the sound of her voice was awash with fear and confusion, "Don't make me get Tuvok in here!"

"What the hell are you talking about!? Who's Tuvok?"

Tapping her communicator almost as a reflex, she said with a quiver in her voice, "Medical emergency in the Ready Room. Commander Chakotay is... unwell".

***

Kathryn looked on as the Doctor ran his tricorder over a very agitated Chakotay. She searched the EMH’s face for any signs of what could be wrong, only to see a look of confusion.

“What is it Doctor?”

“Well… erm, to be honest I’m not entirely sure. Something appears to be disrupting his neural pathways, but I can’t determine the cause. There does seem to be an unusual energy signature originating in his frontal cortex, but it doesn’t match anything in our database”.

“Prognosis?”

“At the present moment, I can’t say. Commander, I’ll have to keep you in Sickbay for observation until I can establish exactly what the problem is and what’s causing it”.

“Chakotay, has anything unusual happened to you lately – anything that might shed any light on this?” Kathryn said, turning to her first officer.

“I… I don’t remember. I’ve been feeling a little… hazy since I came back from the survey mission”.

“Well perhaps once you’ve had a little time to rest, we could review your logs, see if there’s anything there”. She turned to leave.

“Kathryn…” he called after her, trailing off as she paused. The Doctor must have sensed a change in his tone and discretely retired to his office.

Kathryn walked back to the bedside, subconsciously resting a hand on Chakotay’s arm. He continued,

“I’m sorry, for the way I spoke to you”.

“You weren’t yourself, it’s alright”. She gently squeezed his bicep.

“I know. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad about it though”.

“Apology accepted”. She smiled softly, “Get some sleep. I’ll see you later”.

***

The landscape was bleak – stark and cold with a biting wind that raked against Kathryn’s skin like claws. The snow billowed in flurries against her ill-clothed body. She shivered.

Darkness surrounded her; she could only clearly see the small patch of snow before her that was illuminated by an icy moon. Heavens it was cold – she wrapped her arms around herself in a vain attempt to get warm.

Movement in the snow to her right startled her a little, and as she turned her head a large wolf trotted towards her out of the gloom. Something in its body language put her at ease, ears pricked, tongue lolling out of the side of its mouth. It was a beautiful animal with silver brushed grey fur and big blue eyes. 

It stopped at her feet and barked. A sort of half-bark half-howl. There was a curious expression on its face that seemed to convey intelligence.

“What do you want girl?” Something about the animal told Kathryn it was female.

It bark-howled again, followed by an insistent whine, looking up at her with those gorgeous eyes.

“I don’t know what you want”

The wolf spun around in the snow, yelping then ran a few paces ahead of her before turning and barking at her again.

“You want me to follow you?” she laughed slightly, remembering something she’d read about a fictional dog in the late 20th century that had helped rescue people from all sorts of mishaps by finding people and alerting them.

The wolf barked again in a way that seemed to suggest confirmation, and she set off to follow it.

The sharp sound of the computer alarm dragged her reluctantly into wakefulness.

After dragging her way through the morning routine, Kathryn intended to go straight to sickbay to see how Chakotay was doing, but the Doctor beat her to it,

“EMH to Captain Janeway”

“Go ahead”

“Captain I think you’d better come down here straight away.

“Acknowledged”.

With renewed fear, Kathryn finished pulling on her uniform and made for the door.

***

Kathryn’s heart was pounding by the time she reached Sickbay, and the Doctor’s face did nothing to assuage her anxiety.

“How is he?” she asked, hearing her own voice tremble.

“I’m afraid his condition has deteriorated Captain. He doesn’t seem to recognise me and he’s… behaving erratically. He’s confused – and I’m not sure what I can do for him”.

Kathryn nodded, and casting her own worries aside, gritted her teeth.

“Can I see him?”

“Yes of course Captain, but you should prepare yourself”.

Kathryn nodded. The Doctor led her over to where he had screened off an area at the back of Sickbay. The lighting behind the screen had been dimmed.

“The darkness seems to make him calmer”, the Doctor whispered to her as she moved slowly towards the bed.

“Chakotay? Chakotay it’s me” She knew she spoke fearfully even though she tried to keep her voice level. Despite her best efforts she was too afraid that he wasn’t going to recognise her to keep her emotion hidden.

“Kathryn is that you?” Relief washed over her at his response.

“Yes it’s me”. She had reached the side of the bed by this time and instinctively reached down to take his hand.

He looked up at her and her breath caught in her throat. Even through his weakest moments – their time in chaotic space flooded into her mind – he had always been a tower of strength. To look into his eyes and see such vulnerability, such confusion was terrifyingly alien.

“Kathryn, I’m scared. I don’t know what’s happening to me”. She squeezed his hand harder.

“I’m right here. I’m not going to let anything bad happen I promise. I know you’re having a hard time remembering who the Doctor is at the moment, but if there’s anyone who can figure out how to make you better it’s him”.

“If you trust him so do”. The honesty and forthrightness of the statement surprised her, and before she could even think of holding back she brushed away a lock of hair that had fallen over his forehead. The affection of the gesture did not appear to be lost on the Doctor – it was reflected on his face when she turned back to him,

“Captain, I was thinking perhaps it would be better if we moved the Commander back to his own quarters? There is little I can do for him here at the moment and he doesn’t appear in any physical danger – perhaps he would be more comfortable there?”

Kathryn looked again at Chakotay,

“Would you like that? Would you rather be in your own room?” She struggled not to speak to him like a child.

“I… I don’t know. Maybe…” He really did seem confused.

“Perhaps we should try it for a while then. You could always come back if you want to”.

“Yes, yes take me there”, he nodded, clinging to her hand. He glanced away from her briefly before turning back, and in those few seconds his face completely changed, “Kathryn! Kathryn what are you doing here!? You have to go. Please you have to leave, I don’t want you to see me like this!!”

He pushed her and she stumbled backwards – only the Doctor’s quickly outstretched hand preventing her from falling.

“Captain, I think you’d better leave. He’ll calm down in a while”.

Chakotay had begun to tremble and bunch the bed sheet up in his hands. She moved as if to return to him.

“Go Kathryn!! Please… go…” his tone turned almost to begging and she fled the room. As much as she wanted to be there for him, she wasn’t sure she could see him like that any more than he wanted her to.

***

Dark, cold… uncomfortably familiar. Kathryn looked around her, wrapping her arms into her sides to try and keep in what little warmth she could. It was the same snow bound landscape, and a howl she knew she’d heard before echoed on the wind.

She was fully expecting the sound of running paws through the snow when it came, and the wolf came into view through the blizzard – even more beautiful than she remembered, almost as if it was glowing.

“Hello girl. Show me where you want me to go”.

The wolf barked at her in acknowledgement, immediately turned tail and headed off into the darkness. Kathryn tried to keep up, and for a while she managed it running forward through the deep snow, pushing her feet against its resistance. 

Then, she stumbled and fell. Face down in the suffocating blanket, and for a moment she panicked. Memories of the last time she was face down in snow, one of the worst days of her life, came flooding back and she struggled to control the strong wave of emotion that hit her. 

Finding strength from somewhere she could not name, she gave an almighty push upwards out of the snow, spluttering as she gasped in huge lungfuls of ice cold air that were a painful relief.

Once she had recovered herself sufficiently she looked around but the wolf was gone.

***

Kathryn sat in her chair on the bridge trying to concentrate on the engineering analysis before her. No matter what she did her mind kept wandering back to Chakotay. He was getting worse by the hour, and nothing the Doctor had tried seemed to be working. Even Tuvok’s thorough review of Chakotay’s mission logs had yielded little insight.

“Captain, we’re being hailed”

“On screen”

An image of a humanoid looking species appeared on the screen, the only thing which distinguished them from humans was the white hair and bright violet eyes.

“Greetings I am Jihal of the Vabarn Ascendancy ”.

“Greetings Jihal I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager”.

“And what brings you to our little corner of the Universe Captain? I am not familiar with your Federation”.

“The United Federation of Planets is an organisation based some thirty thousand lightyears from here – I am not surprised you haven’t heard of us. We are… on our way home”.

“That is a long trip Captain. Do you need any supplies for the journey? We would be happy to discuss trade”.

“More than happy – we would be delighted to receive you here or we can come to your ship if you prefer?”

“We will come to you Captain – I am most intrigued to see your Federation Starship”.

***

“Please take a seat Ambassador, Captain. You’ve met my Acting First Officer Tuvok”.

“Indeed – Captain I hope you don’t think I’m prying, but you have an “Acting” First Officer?”

Kathryn sighed, “Yes, I’m afraid Commander Chakotay is… unwell”.

“I’m sorry to hear that, I hope it isn’t anything serious”.

“Well, to be honest we don’t entirely know what’s wrong with him. He’s been acting strangely ever since he came back from a survey mission in the previous system we passed through, and he seems to be losing his memory”. 

The Vabarn Captain and Ambassador exchanged telling looks with one another.

“Captain Janeway, did your Commander happen to visit the third planet of seven, a small rocky world with no detectable life other than vegetation?”

“… Yes. I’m getting the distinct feeling that you may have some insight into this – please continue”.

“Your Chakotay sounds like he has been a victim of the Asa’ahd”

“The Asa’ahd?”

“Yes – in our language it means Mind Stealers. Despite the name we don’t believe them to be malicious. So far as we can determine, they are an energy based lifeform that forms a symbiotic relationship with plants. Each helps the other extract and process energy. But they instinctively attempt to form a bond with any life they come across – and if that turns out to be sentient life, the results, as you have unfortunately witnessed, are devastating. Their energy patterns seem to wreak havoc with humanoid brains, but due to the danger of sending people we have been unable to study them further”.

“How do you treat this condition?”

“I’m afraid there isn’t any medical treatment Captain, at least not one we have yet developed. Those few individuals who have recovered have described being trapped inside their own minds, a feeling of being “lost”. They only managed to get better by being guided back to their lives by a strong mind who could persuade them they wanted to return. It’s a difficult task Captain – do you have anyone who may be able to do this?”

Kathryn looked over at Tuvok who nodded in answer to the unspoken question.

“I believe we do. Captain, Ambassador, I hope you do not mind me asking to suspend our meeting for the time being”.

“Not at all. Take as long as you need”.

Kathryn tapped her combadge.

“Janeway to the Doctor, meet us in Commander Chakotay’s quarters immediately. We have a potential break-through”

Kathryn and Tuvok made follow the Vabarn out of the room, when the Ambassador paused and turned back towards them.

“Good Luck”. 

***

When Kathryn entered the room Chakotay shrank back on the cushions, arms wrapped around himself protectively. There was something almost feral about the way he looked at her, like a wounded animal. A flash of the wolf from her dream the night before gave her pause for a moment before she shook the thought away. Her instinct pushed her forward, hand held out before her in the same way she’d approach a frightened dog. There was so much fear pooled in those deep brown eyes.

A small part of her almost expected him to snarl or even bite her, but despite pulling back even further as she approached, he allowed her to take his hand. Almost imperceptibly he seemed to relax as she stroked it, his body language softening a little.

“It’s alright Chakotay”, she soothed, continuing her gentle touch.

He seemed to struggle to speak for a few moments and she was about to reassure him he didn’t need to say anything, when he stutteringly managed,

“Ch-ko-tay”. She nodded, smiling.

“Th-that’s m-my name?” he continued, the words half a statement and half a question as if he thought he was right but wasn’t entirely sure.

“Yes, yes it is”, she tried to keep the concern out of her voice. How much of him was still in there? How much of the man she… 

She almost gasped out loud. No, she had to keep her emotion out of this. She had to be strong for him; now was not the time to start complicating everything with long buried feelings.

“Listen, I don’t know whether you can remember this, but you’ve been very sick and we think we’ve found a way to help you”.

“O..Okay”

She gestured to Tuvok to move into the room.

“This is Tuvok and he’s going to help you to feel better – but you have to let him touch you, is that alright?”

Chakotay’s body visibly tensed again and he seemed to withdraw back into himself.  
“Chakotay…”, she trailed off as she struggled to continue the sentence with anything other than a term of endearment, “… we just want to help you. I know you don’t remember but we’re your friends. Do you know who I am? Do you trust me?”

She feared the answer more than she had ever feared anything in her life.

“I don’t know who you are”. Her heart felt like it dropped through the floor. “But I feel… like I should trust you”.

She breathed out a little too hard, “Let us help you”.

***

Tuvok placed his hands on either side of Chakotay’s face, feeling the fear radiating off the bigger man before he even made mental contact. He closed his eyes and prepared himself for the shock he felt sure was coming.

It wasn’t enough. A wave of icy cold air hit him with such force that he almost physically stumbled backward. Bracing against it, he looked around.

Nothing. Nothing but white walls of billowing snow all around him, solid against his attempts to move in any direction. After a few minutes of fruitless effort, he broke the meld.

Kathryn looked at him with a concerned and questioning expression.

He shook his head.

“I couldn’t find him”, he said with a tone as close to sorrow as Kathryn had ever heard from him, “There was just… a blizzard. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t… he wasn’t there”.

“A blizzard!?” the surprise was evident on Kathryn’s face.

“This means something to you?”

“Yes… I… I’ve been… I know what we have to do” she said with absolute certainty, “It has to be me – I have to do it”. 

“Captain, how do you know? Do we get any sort of explanation?” the Doctor asked with his usual disapproval of any suggestion that Kathryn should involve herself in anything dangerous.

“I need you both to trust me”, she said, looking from the Doctor to Tuvok and back again, “I can do this… but I need your help Tuvok. I remember reading about a Vulcan technique which allows the bridging of two minds – could you… do that for us?”

“I know which technique you are speaking of, but I have never performed it myself”.

“I have faith in you Tuvok”.

The two locked eyes for a few seconds, something unspoken seemed to pass between them, then Tuvok nodded.

“Well then, I’d best make the preparations”, the Doctor said with resignation.

***

Kathryn sighed with relief as the now familiar tundra landscape materialised before her. She glanced around and was surprised to find that the wolf was sitting just a few metres away from her, head on one side regarding her curiously.

“Come on then girl – where is he?”

The wolf barked happily and bounced around Kathryn in the snow a few times before very gently taking hold of Kathryn’s sleeve in her teeth and leading her forwards.

The blizzard battered against Kathryn’s face, forcing her to keep her eyes squeezed shut, but the gentle yet insistent pull on her sleeve kept her moving. She didn’t know how long they walked – it felt like nothing had ever existed but the numbing cold and the endless onward press through strength-sapping snow – when the force of the blizzard began to ease.

Kathryn dared to open her eyes a crack and saw before her a cave with the faint light of a fire coming from inside. The wolf released its hold on her sleeve as she ran forwards into the shelter of the cave mouth. Curled up before the dying embers of the fire, shivering with cold, was Chakotay.

She looked down into his eyes, liquid and filled with fear and her heart soared as she saw something she did not expect. The spark of recognition.

“Kathryn?” His voice was shaky but filled with so much hope. She had never been so happy to hear someone speak her name. 

“You know who I am?”

“Of course I know who you are – how could I ever forget the woman I love?”

She embraced him, and held his head against her chest as they both sobbed with relief. Relief that he was still in here, relief that he had finally given a name to the unspoken bond that existed between them. He said it with such ease as well, such casual simplicity as if it was everyday conversation rather than the confession of something they’d both been denying for six long years.

After what felt like eternity, Chakotay lifted his head and noticed the wolf who was now sitting in the snow looking at them with what could only be described as a contented expression.

“Anara! What are you doing here?”

“She brought me to help you Chakotay. She came for me and guided me to you. Who is she?” Kathryn hadn’t really thought about the meaning of the wolf before, but she believed she now understood. It didn’t make sense, not scientifically, but there could only be one explanation.

“She’s my spirit guide”. Chakotay stroked the wolf’s ears as she pushed her nose into his hand, not speaking or offering anything other than comfort. Content to be nothing more than the faithful companion who had brought him the help he needed.

After allowing him a few quiet moments, Kathryn said,

“You need to come back now”. He turned away again, the fear reigniting in his face. 

She kept her voice gentle but firm.

“Chakotay, you need to come home. Here, take my hand”. She had no idea how this was going to work, so she just operated on instinct, holding tightly to his hand and preparing to keep holding on no matter what happened next.

He still hesitated, but Anara pushed at him with her nose, encouraging him to go with Kathryn. He allowed her to lead him back the way she had come.

***

Kathryn opened her eyes. Even the dimmed lighting in Chakotay’s quarters was painfully glaring after the darkness of the dream. Her eyes followed her arm downwards to where her hand was still tightly clenched in Chakotay’s, then onward to his face where his eyes were also slowly opening to meet hers.

“Kathryn!” He sat up on the bed as she leant down to meet him, their foreheads gently pressing against each other’s as tears flowed freely, “Kathryn I was so lost”. His free hand stroked over her hair, cupping the back of her neck and holding their heads together.

Unseen, the Doctor and Tuvok vacated the room, realising this moment of intimacy between their Captain and First Officer was not for any others to witness.

Chakotay finally let go of Kathryn’s hand so he could take her in his arms; it took a little persuasion to get her to release it, but she submitted willingly to his embrace. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead on the spot where his own had just rested, then a few even gentler ones down her cheek to kiss away the salty line of tears. Finally the most hesitant of all on her lips, so light, so swift that she wondered for a moment if he had actually done it.

Their eyes met; both found in the others’ the reflection of a dream cherished yet long dismissed as hopeless, and lips met again. This time with no hesitation, but with all the hunger and fire of six years’ denial; clumsy, desperate, yet in every way perfect. Chakotay lay back on the bed as he pulled Kathryn on top of him, need overtaking all rational thought as the stubborn walls of restraint came crashing down.

***

On the way back to Sickbay Tuvok and the Doctor ran into an anxious Tom Paris, just finished his shift and desperate for news.

“Did she find him? Did we get him back?”

The Doctor glanced over at Tuvok for a moment, almost imagining he could see a smile on the Vulcan’s face, before turning back and replying,

“I think it would be more accurate to say that they found each other. And not before time”.


End file.
